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Sex After Birth: The Real Story

Every woman experiences motherhood differently so naturally our return to sex after birth will differ. I felt alone when the women around me were talking about how horny they were hours after giving birth. I felt there was something wrong with me. I never want another woman to feel that way. No matter what is going on you are not alone. This story is not rainbows and cotton candy. This is my experience and mine alone. You’ve been warned. 

If someone had asked me about sex after Jack was born I might have said that it would never occur again in my lifetime. I read in various places that I should wait 4-6 weeks, but I ignored it. I had way too much to think about. Who in the world was thinking about sex after birth?! When Jack turned 4-6 weeks old I was flabbergasted that people were expected to be ready to have sex. I mean the blood, the stitches, the gore!! The thought of something going in my vagina seemed just as traumatizing as the experience of a baby coming out. Not to mention the lack of desire. I thought “you’ve got to be kidding me!” To be honest, I don’t even think my husband was over the sight of seeing me push our son out of my vagina over a period of 30 hours. He wanted nothing for me but to be comfortable, healed and happy.

Abby Theuring, The Badass Breastfeeder new to motherhood.

I lasted only a few days before I couldn’t stand the curiosity anymore. I took a mirror and angled it down to my vagina. Oh. My. Fucking. God. That was certainly never usable again. I had an episiotomy. I could see stitches. It looked like there were several incisions (I later learned there were not, it was just such a huge mess that it seemed like someone had taken a hacksaw to it). It was covered in blood. No matter how much I sprayed that damn peri bottle at it. I couldn’t even tell where the opening was. Sex? Are you crazy?

But it wasn’t just the state of my vagina that made the 4-6 weeks recommendation laughable. I had absolutely no desire to have sex. I was completely stunned by life. I hadn’t had time to absorb my new role as a mom. Before Jack I couldn’t relax enough to have sex if there was a dirty dish in the sink. Now my life was turned upside down. My very identity was in question. I did not suffer from Postpartum Depression, but I had some dark moments. I couldn’t figure out how shitting and showering fit into my life anymore much less an intimate moment alone with my husband.

I bled for 2 ½ months after Jack was born. Yes, you heard me. 2 ½ months! So that completely took away the perk of not getting my period for 9 months. I went in after 6 weeks to get my pap smear. When I say I was terrified I am making an enormous understatement. I thought about this for weeks beforehand. I was petrified. She was going to have to use the speculum. Also known as the duck bill, evil clamp and car jack. Oh dear lord. How was I going to live through that? I panicked at the thought of it. My heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. I was truly scared of going through with this. I contemplated never returning to her office. Due to the continued bleeding she had to reschedule. I was relieved in the moment, but the anxiety just continued to build when I left.

One evening I was cruising around a mommy group that I had joined. Someone brought up the topic of sex. My friend casually stated something about having sex. My mouth fell open and my stomach turned upside down. She has had sex since giving birth? I couldn’t comprehend this. I asked her if I understood her correctly. She said “yes, and I think it’s even better now because I am a bit tense about it.” So, not only has she been having sex she been enjoying it and not only has she been enjoying it she has been enjoying it more than before giving birth? I was literally stunned for like a whole week. Could not stop thinking about it. I must really be the only one left who isn’t having sex.

Abby Theuring, The Badass Breastfeeder with son, Jack, and husband, Josh.

My husband and I had open conversations about this. I expressed my fears. He said he understood. I am sure after a few months passed he was wondering when I would start to move to a new phase in mommyhood. As with any long-term relationship sex had been a topic of discussion before. We had gone through rough patches and smooth patches and back to rough patches. Translation: He always wanted to have sex. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I would go long periods of time not wanting to. This always made him feel rejected and undesirable. Most of the time these rough patches (the long periods of time when he wanted to have sex and I didn’t) were very rough. We worked through it because we love each other. I never had an answer as to why I would go so long not wanting to have sex. I still don’t know.

Another layer of complication was that it took some time to change our thinking about sex. We had sex for fun for 10 years. We had to relearn sex for the purposes of procreation. Now we had to relearn it again as something for fun to celebrate our relationship. Have sex for fun? You mean I am supposed to be excited about the fact that you are going to put your penis into the slaughtered mess that was now my vagina? Yeah, sounds like a ball of fun.

I returned to the doctor for the ever dreaded pap smear. It was totally painless. I told her I was afraid to have sex after birth. She said I would be OK physically and that I should consider doing it soon so that my mind didn’t start to make it worse than it really was. I understood what she meant and the painless pelvic exam decreased my anxiety. However, we still had to deal with the logistics of it. I didn’t want to. Even if I could muster up some desire when would this happen? Where would this happen? Even if I wasn’t going to tear any stitches anymore why did I feel so… raw? My skin was healed, but there was still so much going on down there. It felt like there was extra skin. I felt like my vagina was wide open. Like if I put in a tampon it would fall right back out. Would I ever be the same again?

Abby Theuring, The Badass Breastfeeder new to motherhood.

We finally made it happen one night on the couch (co-sleepers do it in the… whatever room is free!). It was painless and that is all I remember. That is all I was concerned about. Even 14 months postpartum I still have little desire to have sex, but we have been actively trying to conceive since about 6 months postpartum so it happens on a regular basis. I am a Mama with her eye on the prize so I suck it up and make it happen. We are always trying to finish as fast as possible since Jack seems determined to be an only child. He has become an expert cock blocker. I don’t have much concern with the lighting, the position, the foreplay or the heat. For now the purpose of sex remains as a means to procreate and not just for the fun of it. It’s business and we are happy with that for now.

My vagina seems to be back to normal, mostly. That gaping hole feeling is gone. I suppose the muscles strengthened back up. I am not exactly the same down there, but it’s good. I have my agenda permanently out on the table to mark the days of my cycle. I started my period about 7 months postpartum and by 10 months it was regular. We plan our sex according to the calendar. Still no baby. Please send me your baby vibes so we can do all this over again.

Abby Theuring, MSW


  1. it’s incredible how we keep putting ourselves back through the ringer when it was traumatic. my first birth was wonderful. 2nd was horrible and my manly said, literally right after dd came out, “so you ready to try for that boy?” i swore off ever giving birth again. yet here we are 8 months later and i’m the one saying we should have another! and as far as the sex thing, you’re doing better than me. we’ve had sex 3 times in the last 8 months. manly is not a very happy camper atm. i’m just too damn tired to bother after dealing with the baby and a VERY difficult 4 yr old every day. maybe in 4 more years, we’ll see….

  2. Now that i’m 58 and don’t think about babies except those given to me with the title ‘grandchild’, I find what makes me feel better in most times of fear and loathing is a Xanax and a nap. I’m available for babysitting if the ‘nap’ part ever becomes a reality. Thanks for the lifestyle update it was a hoot!

  3. I’m just so happy that you are willing to talk about this! I am 11 months postpartum, and I just can’t seem to get into the swing of things! My partner doesn’t seem to suffer from the Madonna/whore complex…I do! I just can’t seem to feel “nasty” when I have a sweet innocent baby in the next room! I also have a low drive which is a drastic change for me. That, coupled with PPD and let’s just say I’m not exactly fired up down there! It’s a work in progress, but it feels good to know I’m not alone!!!

  4. It’s amazing how different women’s experiences can be! We almost did it with the baby in the bed the night we came home from the hospital and both of us had to take a cold shower. Our first time was after four weeks & it’s definitely different. We have more fun now bc we have to sneak & hurry. At around the ten week mark I hit a wall of not wanting to be touched & we’ve been coping but it’s a challenge & an occasional nidus for conflict. It makes me feel better knowing other mama’s have to adjust too.

    • I also had a LOT of sex drive right after the baby was born, it was a c-section, but we had to wait for the 6 weeks to pass. I think all the drive came because of all the occitoxin and because of all the love for my husband I felt after.
      Then I went to do the smear, before returning to our sex life and was surprised how much the feeling had changed even though there was no vaginal birth!
      Then one day we did it and it also felt strange, like we were very excited but my body didn’t answer in the same way.
      Gradually we did it on occasion, but 13 months have passed and i still don’t have the same drive and when we’re together it’s certainly different!

  5. I feel like you have literally taken the words out of my mouth. I’m 17 weeks PP and am terrified at the thought of being penetrated. I keep having sex dreams though–like my subconscious is ready and telling my body to go for it! Thanks for talking about this!

    • HI wow im 12 weeks pp and lm scared as too. We haven’t had sex in 7 months as it was too uncomfortable during the last 4 months of pregnancy. I have been having sex dreams too, but have very little desire to do the deed. It’s frustrating and makes me feel like something is wrong with me and l wonder if l will ever get back to normal…

      Thanks this thread is interesting

  6. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am 6-months pp with my 4th. I’m apparently what my DH calls a sex-camel. I can do it once and go for months. I try for at least once a week to keep him happy and non-rejected, but I’ve felt for some time that something was “broken” with me. Zero desire. None. It’s the most stressful part of our marriage for me. Glad to know I’m not alone out there. Crossing fingers in toes for the stork to pay you a visit soon.

  7. I’m glad you shared this! I had a very rough post partum experience which made me terrified of intercourse. At about 12 weeks, we attempted it, but it was so painful I cried and we stopped. It was terribly painful for months. Only at about 10 months did the pain fade. My family physician told me to have sex, even if it hurts, and it will get better, and it did.

  8. Thanks so much for sharing this,I really enjoyed reading it 🙂
    I´m going to admit that all 3 times,my sex drive was through the ROOF right after giving birth.I think that what did it for me was knowing that we actually COULDENT have sex yet,and it made me crazy lol.I had an emergency c-section with my first,and two BIG episiotomies with my girls VBACs,yet I only managed to wait around 10 days PP all 3 times.DH and I have always had high sex drives and we have had sex daily since the day we met 14 and a half years ago,so I was worried about the PP period and how we´d cope with going so long without sex.We didnt lol.
    I remember feeling like the odd one out for the oposite reasons you explained..everyone in my due date club (online) seemed to be avoiding sex and I was desperate to start doing it again!.I was so embarresed to talk about it.As for not wanting it so much,have you tried talking about that with your doctor? I have a friend that had this issue and it turned out to be something to do with her hormones.She started on a treatment (hormonal cream for her genital area plus pills) and in 2 weeks she was totally fine and she was the one initiating sex with her husband 😉
    Anyway,I really hope you conceive quickly! Good luck!! 🙂

  9. I was single after my first so I have no one to have sex with anyway, but I know ALL TOO WELL the horror of the post-partum vagina. I didn’t have an episiotomy, but I tore up through my clit and had something like 26 stiches. My vag will never be the same, but miraculously, it did eventually heal in a somewhat reasonable way.

    I had #2 5 months ago – I still have no desire to have sex (I think it is hormonal with BFing and all), but I was ready to try by 4 weeks PP. It hurt. By 6 weeks, it didn’t. The second birth was MUCH easier on my lady parts – I hope yours will be too!

  10. WoW! LOOOVE knowing I’m not the ‘only’ one out there having these issues. 11wks pp w/my 4th baby. Its actually been 11yrs since my last natural baby and I’m lets say- alot older (38) and my whole body feels like a deflated balloon! So not feeling sexy right now. Other than that, I’m EXHAUSTED at night- my little angel is attached to me pretty much 24/7 and is still nursing EVERY 2 HOURS.. so even if I could find some time away- I can not muster up the will or desire for S.E.X.!!! My hubby is understandably not happy right now. Rubbed my thigh the other night and said he felt like its been YEARS since he touched me at all! Told him we def. could not have sex before my 6 week ck up- but its literally been 6wks beyond that and I got an IUD so birth control is not even an issue!…. REALLY need to get w/it and at least TRY to get it together for the 10minutes I’m sure it will only last! :)))

  11. Thank you for making me feel a little bit more normal! At that six week mark, I was completely uninterested in sex, and confused by all the people in the chat rooms (which I frequented during late-night feedings) talking about having sex before that mark. It was a few months before my husband and I had sex again (thank goodness he was so patient with me!), and I didn’t even tear that badly. I just didn’t feel *right* down there. (No, I never looked… too terrified of what I’d see.) It was a long time before I felt halfway normal again, and eight months later my drive is still pretty low.

    • Thank you from TX, reading this just made me feel so much better. I feel like a heel for not being more intimate with my husband. All I can say is your candor is refreshing! =)

  12. Totally felt the same way!!! We had sex for the first time after baby at like 10 weeks, and for me I only had sex because it had been 10 weeks since we’d had sex. I just *could not* fathom how women on our birth board were already popping up pregnant! Anyhoo, I still don’t feel that excited to do it – I figure it’s the nursing hormones and am impressed how well mother nature engineers things to help us space out our babies!

  13. I’m the total opposite! We made it to three weeks before we “got back on the horse” hehehe Even though I am nursing the desire has been strong. The problem is we co-sleep and live with family so opportunities alone are rare :-/

  14. OMG!! Took the words out of my mouth. The whole bit, pre and post baby. I avoided my check up with the doc until 10 wks because I didn’t want to tell hubby I had the all clear to have sex again. No pain first time, but had sort of ‘flash backs’ to labour and the vag trauma! All passed now, first is 2.5yrs and I’m 14wks preg with number 2. Feel like we have a sex groove going ok now, mostly I get into it once we start but I rarely initiate it unless I know hubby is getting desperate and is trying not to pressure me! Ha ha… Marriage is a balancing act in every way that’s for sure. Womanhood is a balancing act!

  15. I had pain the first time and I had a C-section! I was in active labor for a while though, which I’m sure had some affect down there! Anyways the first time we stopped bc I think my husband saw the look on my face…that was exactly at 6 weeks. So 3 weeks later we tried again and blamo, no pain, felt great! I have a healthy sex drive and its back to full blown at 4 months pp. Ladies, if your sex drive is low sometimes that can mean hormonal imbalance. I recommend acupuncture, which helps me keep my periods regular (great for future conceiving) and my body feeling great, plus you get 45mins to an hour of pure relaxing bliss. I also used it after a miscarriage and I was able to get pregnant within 3 months of the miscarriage and have my beautiful son, Isaac. Our cycle is quite a complicated thing, many hormones come into play, so if one little thing is off it can really affect our sex drive, ovulation, and ability to conceive again. Acupuncture has even been shown to be more effective than drugs to help women conceive. Let your practitioner know how you are feeling and I’m sure they will help you feel like your normal self!

  16. Glad to know I am not alone out there as far as desire. I am 11 months pp with my second and I feel little desire. I try to reassure my husband that’s it’s not him, it’s me, but that doesn’t exactly work with men 😛 Sending you lots of good vibes and prayers that you conceive soon!

  17. You should pee on a stick to see when you ovulate…. i had trouble getting pregnant with second child because I was so wrong on knowing/thinking when I was ovulating…

  18. You are absolutely hilarious! I love your blog and your openness about “mommy” issues and parenthood! Wonderful! It’s my whine down with a drink at the end of the day! Thank you so very much for being so honest! <3

  19. My baby girl is nearly 4 months old and we haven’t had sex, my poor hubby is very patient but I could quite happily never do it again, I know i need to, I think what’s causeing it is I have 4 children and Iv had them all by c section, my first was twins so iv had 3, they have all gone smoothly except for my last, things became very dodgy and I came close to dying, I was quite poorly for a while after, we agreed that Gracie was the last child as we couldn’t risk that again. So now I have a fear of sex because I’m scared of getting pregnant again and getting a quite moment and being in the mood is hard but we have booked a hotel and some babysitters for in 2 weeks so hey ho here we go.

  20. Thanks SO much for this post.
    I’ve had ZERO sex drive since having my baby 13.5 months ago. It was a fairly traumatic birth (baby was ‘star gazing’) which ended approximately 30 hours of labour in an emergency forceps/episotomy delivery when they finally realized what was holding things up.
    My Dr. Couldn’t do the pap at 6 weeks… it was just too painful.
    Despite trying (although not too often) my husband and I haven’t had sex since before the baby was born. We’ve started, but have to stop because I’m literally in tears, it is so painful.
    My Dr. Told me I’ve healed well and that I’m “just being too sensitive”. At this point, I don’t know what to do! I’d like to have sex, I’d like another child (in the future, not quite yet) but at this point I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to do “it” again. It’s really getting me down. 🙁
    Any advice?

    • I wonder if you may have secondary vaginismus? You may very well have healed up perfectly, but if your pelvic floor muscles are tense (you may not be conscious of how tensed they are), entry will be painful. For some women, the trauma of birth can send these muscles into spasm and you may need a pelvic floor release. I had this done and it totally did the trick!! There are pelvic floor specialists/therapists you can look up in your area. I actually saw my osteopath and he was able to do this release externally. It was seriously a godsend. There is also a website called vaginismus.com where you can look at other means of treatment and join a forum to see how other women are able to overcome this. Hope you find some help!

  21. Mama Russia says

    I was so scared after giving birth. And I bled for 8 weeks and then 2 weeks later I started my period so in the end we didn’t have sex for about 3 months. I have no idea how people have sex even before the 6 weeks is up. But then again my husband doesn’t like sex when I’m on the rag.

  22. Thank you for sharing this! We’re 7 months PP and I have ZERO interest in sex. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.

  23. I love your total honesty….I think you are someone I could totally hang out with……I was a single mother of my now 15 yr. old (married now) and I certainly can relate to your feelings. I remember having NO sex vibes until Chyenne was 2 ish and I also know that I feel blessed that single-parenting meant I didn’t have to negotiate anyone else’s needs other than my own or hers.

  24. My husband and I tried to have sex at 11 weeks PP. Let’s just say, it didn’t go well. He did all the right things, and my brain was in “sex space”, but my body would not cooperate. I’d only had a very small tear, and 3 stitches after birth, but I think they sewed me up wrong. The opening of my vagina felt too small or in the wrong place, like it wasn’t mine anymore and I had no idea how to work this new one. When he tried to enter me, it wouldn’t fit, and I bled and he felt bad for hurting me even though I told him it wasn’t his fault. Three months later, we successfully had GOOD sex, and I was relieved. It’s still not as frequent as it once was, but tends to be more spontaneous, when we can steal a free moment. I envy some people who were able to jump back in the sack after that 6 week appointment, but I definitely wasn’t capable at that point,

  25. I have 2 children, 2 and 4, and with my first child I had an episiotomy so dramatic that it didn’t heal for 6 months. I didn’t have any pleasure down there for a year, and then one day it all started to work again right. Orgasms are better than ever now and just going through the great mommy transformation is difficult, it is emotional and reaccessing your identity really affects your self. You have to find your enjoyment in sex and the orgasm, and for me I had to actually stop nursing, so I nursed my first for 18 months, and the minute I stopped, I discovered my orgasms, and I was pregnant with number 2. Stop making it about another child and make sex a reward for being a great wife and mother. I always love making my husband really happy in sex and part of that is discovering their sexual needs and being able to enjoy intimate moments, that are like mental fourplay, and it is okay to schedule in some sex on a calendar it kinda builds anticipation. Sex for us is more than just a peg in a hole, it is suggestive moments in the kitchen which lead to may be a passionate kiss or a snuggle on a couch while watching Sesame Street. You have to find the fun and your enjoyment or you will never get your 2nd. It is okay to enjoy something and get the end result you want, you body has to be physiological invested too, an orgasism is created for enjoyment and the collection of strong sperm in the uterus. Best of Luck.

  26. Abby, thank you so much for your honesty! I thought I was alone. I have 2 kids and didn’t have sex while pregnant with either one, and it sure as heck took me a while after they were born. Not I mention being touched-out from nursing all day, sex was THE LAST thing I wanted to do at the end of the day. Your honesty is refreshing!

  27. Wow you are brave! Thanks for sharing it definitely made me feel better as well! I had 2 c-sections but it still hurt the first time after not having sex for so long and being dry due to breast feeding. Hubby and I have had MANY conversations about sex. He always wants it and the more he expresses it it’s like the more pressure I feel and the less I want to. I think it has something to do (on top of a low sex drive) with being needed or like just wanting a break. Sometimes I feel like, omg here is 1 more person to add to my list off people that neeeeed something from me, can I just be left alone. Ive asked hubby to be more romantic and what not, but I think that’s a whole other struggle. After 13 years there’s no wooing or trying on his part and how do you ask for flowers and then get flowers and then it just doesn’t feel special. And then again I try to be understanding of his side of it and think how rough it would be to be a guy! Anyway the whole vagina hacksaw mess was pretty hilarious but I hope you are feeling better! Definitely going to send good positive baby making vibes your way!

  28. I know everyone’s experience is different, but this makes me so grateful for my awesome planned C-section. Three days out of hospital I was giving handjobs and two weeks out we were back in the throw of things. Neither of us have ever felt weird about being sexual with the baby, now toddler in the next room so I had never really thought about that. The one weird thing for me was that I was pumping for her first six months so boob play made me uncomfortable during that, but it never seemed to occur to him lol

    • Us too! Unplanned c-section, but hand jobs after I was released…. Although we tend to be intimate when we are stressed so after having an emergency C section at 30 weeks with a tiny baby in the NICU, lets just say we were quite stressed everyday…. if you get my drift… Plus I hademy boobs out while pumping every 3 hours so my husband was always raring to go haha I’m like “dude, let me finish pumping first!”

  29. I fear my sex life is nothing bit problems. First of all, my boyfriend never wants to have sex. He has absolutely no sex drive at all. This above all else is the reason we barely attempted sex while I was pregnant and haven’t had sex since those epic failures, and our daughter is 13 months old now.
    Aside from his lack of sex drive, I don’t feel like my sex drive has returned at all, and I definitely had a healthy drive before. I am still breast feeding, and I know it’s hormonal for the both of us. However my hormones being in this condition is normal and his is not. He is 35, and should always want sex.
    My daughter and I co-sleep and my boyfriend sleeps on the couch. He snores like a chainsaw and I have never been able to sleep with him. My sleep has always been precious to me, which is why I co-sleep with my baby. My daughter nurses so much in her sleep that I can barely manage to sneak away to pee in the middle of the night before she wakes up because I’m not there. Now, I keep reading how co-sleeping is awesome and the best way to go, but how do you figure out how to detach from the baby?
    My daughter will barely nap without being on the boob. I can get her to fall asleep in the car and sometimes in the stroller, but never for very long.
    I’m at a loss on both my sex life and my ever-attached daughter. I haven’t had sex in over a year!!

  30. I feel better knowing i’m not the only one who doesn’t desire sex. I had my daughter almost 6 months ago, and I have my 2 year old son….so I’m beyond exhausted! My husband feels like I don’t love him because we have only had sex 3 times since my daughter was born. I’m just so tired, and never want it. I’d rather have a back massage! I feel so bad for my hubby though!

    • I feel exactly the same, my son is 7 months and I have no desire. I blame breastfeeding.

      I too know hubby isn’t happy about this and we have had sex a few times but I haven’t been interested or really enjoyed it – it is simply a matter of trying to be a good wife as well as mother. The pressure makes me feel more tense which I think then creates a vicious cycle. An early problem was knowing that baby would wake for a night feed very soon – as soon as we were done he woke… no sleep for me til 2am :/

  31. He’s probably sleeping around. 98% positive he is.

  32. I had a c section with my first and when it came time to have sex I don’t remember how I felt beforehand, I do remember how I felt after-hand. The experience was awful! It was the most painful experience ever! I did not understand. I did not even have a vaginal birth! I went to the doctor. The doctor said that this can happen with women. That when you breastfeed you are not producing estrogen. My dr put me on a low dose estrogen BCP. That did not help. Neither did multiple lubes or vasoline. It was like a slip and slide down there, but it still HURT! We had sex maybe a 7 or eight times that first year after I had our first. I eventually stopped bf just short of a year and our sex life went back to normal. Well as normal as it could with a baby. Every story is different. Every body is different. I am 4 months postpartum with my second and am having the same problem with sex hurting. I will just keep pushing through and trying. Sex is important to men. I remember when it was important to me. I remember when I enjoyed it and I will enjoy it again some day again.

  33. I was ok with sex after I had my daughter. But after my son it still hasn’t happened. I’m eight weeks postpartum and I’m still really nervous. The weird thing is I didn’t tear at all with my son, but he was a beast. He was clearly overdue and pushing him out was excruciating-even though I had an intrathegal. Not to mention the look on my husbands face when he saw the after birth makes me nervous to let him see me naked.

  34. I am 7 months postpartum and still haven’t had sex. Logically, I know it will be fine, certainly won’t hurt and there will be no complaints on his end. I have Zero sex drive though. I exclusively breastfeed (still up to 8 times a day) and I’m a stay at home mommy. Love love love my baby girl but she’s always with me/on me/touching me/spitting on me, etc all day long. It’s hard, if not impossible for me to feel sexual, not to mention I kind of just don’t want to be touched the little time I have when baby is asleep. I just want a few moments where my body is MY own and no one is pulling, kicking, pinching, poking on me. I know I need to have sex with my hubby but at this point it would only be because I should, not because i want to. I’m scared i won’t ever want to. 🙁

  35. Britta Spencer says

    There is no reason that sex for procreation cannot also be sex for fun… I wouldn’t be able to convince my husband to get me pregnant any other way! With that being said, I also feel lack of desire and would much rather a back massage. My youngest is two and a half and also a very effective form of birth control/ cock blocker.

  36. I love thus story its raw its true and its not sugar coated there are so many glorified stories about pp sex its almost like a seen out of a romantic movie when o hear these glorified stories I feel less than adequate then finally I read some truth something that actually sounds like the real thing thankyou thankyou thankyou you have just made me feel human again less alien like I’m not alone I’m not weird again thankyou!

  37. mommy megan says

    I am so glad I found this, im only at 6 weeks postpartum had a 2nd degree tear and holy shit im terrified my lady parts will ever feel ok again. I went in for a check up denied for mirena, sex and bathing and yet my hubby all day everyday reminds me of how we should have sex. Knowing its the norm and it gets better helps. Thank you.

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  40. I’m glad I could read this, it at least made me feel better about the desire. However, I went for my smear today after 13 weeks and it was actually too painful, they couldn’t do the test, and I’ve been told that I might need to be stitched again. I’ve had sex 3 times since the birth, it’s been painful each time 🙁 reading this makes it even more clear that the pain wasn’t normal, even after an episiotomy.

  41. Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after browsing through many of the posts I realized it’s new
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  42. SO GLAD I read this. I’m 7 months PP after cesarean. Still no sex. I have no desire.

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  44. Of course your girlfriend is going to say you don’t understand what she is
    going through. The side affects can consist of damage to the cervical mucus
    or uterus also as other much less severe symptoms. There
    is overwhelming support in case of miscarriage.

  45. My libido (never overly strong to begin with) has been practically nonexistent since I gave birth –nearly 5 years ago. We still do, and it’s fun and all, but my desire to start anything or even to agree is pretty much nil. I feel bad for the hubby, which is usually the only reason anything actually happens. Again, always fun once it gets going, but the desire to get going is pretty much nonexistent. Anyone I’ve actually mentioned this to thinks I’m crazy. 🙁

    • My son is two and I still have zero desire as well. Glad I’m not alone.

      • I’m glad to hear these stories — from the author’s original story to all those shared here. It seems like the topic of sex after having a baby is one of those taboos — many people think about it, wonder what everyone ELSE is doing in that regard, have preconceived ideas about what’s normal, etc. — but almost no one talks about it.

        What bothers me even more are the implicit assumptions that a). women should WANT to have sex again within a few weeks after giving birth; b). the husband or partner will be expecting sex relatively soon — or will feel rejected if sex doesn’t happen for a long time (or the mother has little to no desire for it); and c). A woman isn’t normal or has some kind of psychological complex if she doesn’t want sex within a couple months after giving birth — let alone even longer.

        In my case, I now have a 17-month-old (my first), whom I delivered via an unmedicated natural birth — and my husband and I STILL have not had sex (since perhaps about a month or so before my son was born). Sure, we’ve both had the occasional horny dreams at night, and we’ve both experienced some libido here and there, but for various reasons, the circumstances have not been right for us — and we are both perfectly okay with this reality!! Yes, every so often, we miss having sex, and we’ve talked about it a little, but we know sex will come back eventually.

        We are both very devoted to our son, and have had virtually no trouble adjusting our lives and routines to this new life. I suppose you could classify us as “attachment parenting” or “evolutionary parenting” types, and we are very much a child-led family. I have been breastfeeding since Day 1 (no formula ever) — and continue to breastfeed my son, including visiting him every day during lunch (I work full-time) at his in-home day to let him nurse. My son and I also bedshare at night, but we’re in a small apartment with just a double bed. So my husband has been sleeping in another room during this time. We’re working on figuring out a solution to creating a family bed, but it just hasn’t happened yet. All these things play a role, no doubt.

        But a big thing for me is that I feel like a “mother” right now. In the beginning, for the first few months, my husband and I were adjusting to our new role as parents. We often felt tired (but extremely happy for each moment with our son). My breasts were milk factories, and in between the milk leakage and nipple sensitivity and breast engorgement that would happen on and off, I instinctually felt a mental shift — that my breasts had shifted to a mothering role.

        There was also just so much physical contact between my son and me that other kinds of intimacy, by and large, just didn’t feel appealing — hugs and hand-holding, sure. But my body also felt like it needed those brief respites when my husband would be holding my son to just relax, loosen the muscle tenseness…. Maybe even I could play with my two cats (also my babies!!), or my musical instruments!!

        Another big issue for me is I just plain feel uncomfortable about the idea of having sex in the bed where my son is sleeping next to me. Maybe once we get our king-size bed, and we can put it on the floor, I’ll feel okay with rolling out of bed onto the floor …. I’m not an “uptight” person, but I just don’t feel right about having sex next to my sleeping son.

        My toddler’s nursing also waxes and wanes depending on teething, growth spurts, having a little cold … That means my breasts sometimes feel engorged and uncomfortable. When we put my son to bed at night, I nurse him to sleep and just stay in there for the night — in part because I need the extra sleep (since my son still nurses off and on throughout the night, so I haven’t slept through the night once yet since a month or two before he was born); and in part because, if I’m not ready to sleep, I can get a little quiet “me” time to read or put on the T.V. (after my son falls asleep).

        I know some women who bedshare sneak out after baby is asleep to rendezvous in another room, but that simply wouldn’t work for me — I’d be too distracted worrying that my son my start rolling around in his sleep looking for my breast to be able to get into the sensual state of mind.

        My husband and I also both have always had modest libidos. We have been together for many years (13+ years now), and we’ve also gone through various rough patches throughout our relationship — both in the sex department and in our relationship in general. But we love each other, and we have always worked through our issues. So we have a strong foundation, which perhaps helps. I know my husband is missing sex too, but he is also fully understanding and supportive of our par

        Another big part to our story of continued abstinence is physical. I didn’t have any external tearing nor an episiotomy, but I did have several internal lacerations to my vaginal walls that required several stitches (almost as painful to have those put in as the birth itself!!).

        I bled for around 8-9 weeks post-partum (not super heavy towards the middle and end, but still bleeding). I also experienced a physical change to my vaginal labia: One of the vaginal lips changed shape — sort of like when a cat or dog gets “cauliflower ear.” It seemed shrunken and deflated, and it no longer protected my vaginal opening fully like it had before giving birth.

        This change to my vaginal lip meant that, on top of the pain of the stitches and general post-partum healing to sensitive skin, I was getting new friction abrasions simply from sitting, wearing pads and underwear, to this skin that was no longer protected by the vaginal lip. That added a whole new layer of physical discomfort that my body has only recently seemed to adjust to (finally, the abrasion sensitivity and pain seems to be gone!!).

        And on top of all of THAT, I felt deformed down there …. This has affected my image of my attractiveness, though I’m not overly dwelling on it. But it’s a complex piece of the self-image-after-birth picture.

        My husband has tried to reassure that the new appearance to my vagina won’t bother him in the least, but it’s hard to let that go … I mean, I lived with one vagina for 34 years, and now have to relearn living with this new vagina that appeared after giving birth to my son.

        My period still has not returned yet either — and until about the past 2 months, I have been extremely dry, vaginally. It’s only in the last couple of months that the cervical mucus has started to kick back up in production. I think it’s my body gearing back up to start having a period again, because now I’m starting to have an overproduction of mucus from time to time (which I’ve read could mean anovulatory cycles … so maybe an actual period again soon).

        What has bugged me off and on, though, is this sense that probably most everyone would consider me to be abnormal or have some major psychological problem because at 17 months post-partum, I have not had sex once. I’m pretty independent-minded, so I’ve mostly shrugged this sense off … But the idea has crept up now and then.

        Reading the author’s story was really wonderful, because she was so darn honest … So much of what she wrote I could relate to. Our lives are different, and so of course, our sex lives will be different too.

        I imagine that my story is less common, and that not as many couples wait as long as my husband and I have waited … but it’s still heartening to read the wide variety of experiences women and men have had.

        The stories I’ve read here make me wonder: Why do we as a society EXPECT that sex should happen soon after birth? Why do we assume the husbands or partners will feel rejected if they don’t get sex fairly soon afterwards? Why do we make women who don’t have sex — either don’t want to, or maybe want to but haven’t found a way to fit it in — feel like something is wrong with them?

        I wonder if these ideas are more recent, part of the “modern” era of child-rearing philosophies that began to emerge around the turn of the 20th century …

        I just hope the prevailing cultural attitudes shift soon, and we hear more open discussion of the very wide variety of personal experiences about sex-after-baby, so women are made to feel like something is wrong with them.

  46. I definitely agree that it is totally different for everyone. I started to feel the desire after mere 2 weeks PP, but could’t do anything thanks to the bleeding. I was told to wait for at lest 6 weeks…. We made it to 4 weeks. The only bummer was that even though I had a c-section (for medical reasons I have always known I will never be able to have a vaginal birth), it was sooo freaking painful the first time. We actually had to stop and try again the next day.
    I truly think a lot depends on hormones and how well you are healing. I was also exclusively breast feeding (he is now two and has weaned) and even that did not lessen the desire.
    I bet everything will be different if we ever decide to have another one.

  47. I am 13 months pp and I still have no desire to have sex, none… I always had a low libido but after giving birth, I have none:/ I do not like my husband to play with my boobs (Before I loved), I mean they belong to my baby now! not even me… I am taking zoloft for depression so I’m thinking this is part of the problem too. But is there something that might be wrong with my hormones? I feel horrible:(
    Also the few times that we had sex after our baby was born it was painful and I could not relax, I just wanted to do it because i did not want to reject my husband yet again…

  48. A guys point of view says

    Let me just say I’m a guy, so women don’t beat me up for my honesty. Ladies caring a child is a wonderful thing, the things you go through. The body changes the torn vagina, the hormones. For this I understand. What I don’t understand is a women has things age needs, I think that from a man point of view I haven’t read one post saying your husbands or boyfriends has not been there for there wives or girlfriend. Not one post. With that being said can’t you ladies undestand us as men have needs, needs that brings us closer to our wives not to just bust a nut. I’m thankful I haven’t read that a husband went some place else and got it, which would not be good for anyone not saying it’s right. But when your back in a corner and you gave a women willing to satifying your needs it’s hard to turn it down. So my point is for women that put there big girl panties on and climb back on the horse just to have another baby, for one you mention your not in the mood and the vagina all mutilated, but it’s not to mutilatedti try for another baby help me understand that please? And for women not in the mood You can’t pretend, you can’t give him a blow job, or is that to degrating, you can’t give him a handy j during those weeks or in most of these women story’s months. All I’m saying women instead of being just plane jane let’s start a change to have a better intimacy post child birth. And if the dr says it’s heal I’m sure some if those dr are women and women dr that have had kids right? So in those cases they would know when your ready correct? Thank you ladies for caring our child and putting up with us during the time afterwards. But there has to be a happy medium

  49. Dude, you cannot force it. You’re trying too hard and that’s why you don’t get pregnant. Plus maybe it’s a sign that no kid wants to come to earth to cosleep, maybe she’s looking and not liking what she sees. It’s bad for parents not to have their time at night to bond and have intimacy. Think about it. Maybe you’re forcing sex and not enjoying it. You need to love it to procreate correctly. It’s an act of love, right? SO do it with love and it will come.

  50. Dude, you cannot force it. You’re trying too hard and that’s why you don’t get pregnant. Plus maybe it’s a sign that no kid wants to come to earth to cosleep, maybe she’s looking and not liking what she sees. It’s bad for parents not to have their time at night to bond and have intimacy. Think about it. Maybe you’re forcing sex and not enjoying it. You need to love it to procreate correctly. It’s an act of love, right? SO do it with love and it will come.
    From what I read, co-parenting also removes libido from people…. Coincidence?

  51. I recently contacted a doctor named Ekaka i find his email: ekakaspelltemple @yahoo.com on the internet so i decided to contact him for help in my relationship he ask me to send him my details which i did after that he told me that the gods revealed something to him and he told me everything that was revealed to him and he told me what he was going to do that after three days my relationship became sweet again and the person that was behind my problem came to beg me for forgiveness which was my mother in-law. i and my love are happy again including my mother in-law and we are planning to have a party for this Easter… thanks to Dr. Ekaka

  52. You’re so brave for sharing this story. It brought tears to my eyes to know that I am not alone. I am 29-years-old and am four months post partum. My life after my son’s arrival has been a flurry of work, freelancing, nursing, rocking, baby-wearing, meal planning, cooking, sleeping (thank god he sleeps at night), repeat. I’ve been on antibiotics three times in the past four months because of recurring mastitis. A month after labor, I could still barely sit down. Rough. Deliriously rough. The toughest shit on earth. But I’m not complaining. Things need to happen. I’m a mom now. Nobody said it was easy. I’m enjoying so much of it… but internally there’s a struggle that my husband will never know.

    It’s easy to forget the pain I went through, that I’m still sorting through. Because on the outside, I seem fine.

    I feel my husband expects me to be everything to him: an income producer, a clean housemate, thirty pounds lighter, sexier, and ready to have sex at the drop of the hat. I swear, when he gets an erection it is like all the blood drains from his head (and his senses) and he gets tunnel vision for sex. But he goes about it like a beggar — “come on, spare a little? Please?”

    It’s obnoxious and turns me off.

    He’s sixteen years older than me and believes in this ridiculous “we’re married, therefore you owe me sex” mentality.

    Tonight we went further than we ever have — oral sex! that I was actually starting to enjoy! — but then he pushed it, started trying to have intercourse with me (PREMATURELY AS USUAL) and I realized how traumatized I am from childbirth, and I clammed up and rebuffed him for the umpteenth time in the past two months.

    He is really rushing me and I’m not okay with it. “I’ve been really patient with you for the past few months, but a guy has to get his needs met.”

    Fuck. Off. with that mentality.


    Less than four months ago, an eight pound, six ounce human tore out of my body with such force that I could feel my vagina tearing and hemorrhoids instantly popping out, with a gush of blood so severe it looks like a massacre happened all over the hospital bed. He was in the room. He saw it happen. He had front row seats. And yet. And yet. He carries this sex thing, and my lack of libido, like I owe him something.

    The sad thing about it is that I know I’m going to get my sex drive back. I’ve always had an above-average sex drive — I even masturbated DURING early labor — but now I finally understand what it is to be a woman with zero interest in sex. It’s just very low on my list of priorities and I’m letting my body continue to sort itself out. I have so much on my plate. I think he should pull his head out of his ass and recognize everything I’m doing. But it’s like all my efforts, in his eyes, are like trying to pour water through a styrofoam cup with holes in it. You pour and you pour and too much will never be enough. I don’t do it for him. I do it for my son. I pray that my husband gets his shit together, shakes off his old programming, and rises to where he is called to be; for the commitments he has signed up for. I can’t do that for him. If I could, I would, but I can’t.

    This all feels like downward spiral kind of shit, and I really hope it’s not. I’m tired of his bitterness, his entitlement, his lack of direction. I’m tired of managing so many personalities in my world. I am constantly surrounded by exhausting people who just take, take, take. Some days I feel like I am going to crack in half, like I’ve made a huge mistake, but when I look in my son’s eyes I know that it’s not true. That I said “yup, I’m ready for you” to the universe and he poured into my life like sunlight, like the brightest meadow. He is my light. He makes everything worth it.

  53. Me and my husband met on a online chat site. He is much more older than me. About 25 yrs older. Even his daughter is older than me. From my childhood I was busty and men loved me for those and I was always attracted to older guys. Hubby was also too much attracted to my boobs, actually those are the main source of attraction. I was engaged when we met first. I was so depressed as my bf was so chaotic. And bf seldom put attention to my boobs.

    The day I wanted to meet hubby I called him. He came to comfort me as a friend. He was much older but very friendly and caring. So I liked him. He took a hotel room to take rest. He invited me there. I entered to room. It was so nicely decorated. We talked and he hugged me. I was feeling good and calm in his arms.
    He massaged my back and caress my hair. Suddenly I fall asleep.
    When woke up I found myself into his arms totally nude. He was still caressing my hair. I looked at him. He kissed me. And me too kissed. We kissed for many minutes. Then he started his play. We played so well. I was bound to ride on his long hard and experienced penis. I was so helpless with his boobs suckling and nipple torture. It was awesome. I got orgasm first time in life. And got that 3 more times on that night.

    We were in love then. He has a construction company and he put me in accounts job there. I was student but used to work there at weekends and after my classes. My works was riding on his dick and make him loving my boobs and nipples.
    People were suspicious as he was married and my boobs were increasing their size so fast. But we were dam care. I was very happy with him. He made my 34 B to 44 F within 8 yrs suckling.

    Still I am breastfeeding him with real milk which I got from our baby’s birth. We got married when his wife found us in relationship.

  54. I’m a 36 year old guy and I’m planning to get married, I love my girlfriend and the sex is great as well. I don’t have a child but after reading these stories I think I’ll stay single thank you. And don’t get me wrong I will have a child, just that I won’t be staying with the baby mama. I’m sorry to sound so honest!

  55. Maria Saeed says

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  56. Will Tarrosa says

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  57. This honestly feels like I could have written it because everything you said is exactly how I feel! 100%. Thanks for this!

  58. Momma of 3 right here! All 3 vaginal births and they caused some havoc down there. So when my friend recommended myotaut serum I had to try it. I can feel the difference as can my husband during intercourse. It actually works.

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