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My Rainbow Nursling: Healing From Infant Loss

By guest blogger Kayce

I recently gave birth to my third baby girl, Samara.  I’m twenty seven years old and my girls are 7 and 3 months.  My middle daughter, Emma Blyss, would be turning 4 this year but she now resides in heaven. She passed away suddenly and completely unexpected on May 12, 2012. The day before Mother’s Day and two weeks before her second birthday.  To this day we still do not know why as it was deemed natural causes.

I was never raised up to believe that breastfeeding was the best thing a mother could do for their child and still have very little support from my family. I’m forced to cover or be closed in a back room when I’m at a family member’s house. I even bear rude, ridiculous comments.  I choose to breastfeed all three children. Honestly, I look to your awesome blog as my one and only support system (besides my wonderful husband). I’m very thankful I found such a badass group of moms.

rainbow baby

As you can imagine my rainbow baby, Samara, is my new found happiness. I was devastated after the loss of my 2 year old. Looking back, I honestly do not know how I even survived the dramatic event. When we decided to try for another baby, I knew the experience would be so much different from the previous two. I have been exclusively breastfeeding since October 29, 2013 and I’m already dreading the day she decides she’s done. I didn’t make it past two months with Brielle nor Emma.  I felt overwhelmed and not to mention unsupported.  But truly it was completely out of selfishness. I didn’t want to take the time out to sit down, relax and bond with my babies while nursing. Sounds horrible and maybe even like a bad mother. But now that I know firsthand how life can crash down on you in a second, I promised Samara I would never choose myself over her. I love our bonding time. I love that I have a baby again who needs something only I can provide her.  She’s my angel sent to me from my angel in heaven. I’ve learned that the time we are given with our babies is so important and will only be a faint memory before I know it. I’m happy to be interrupted from my daily chores and given the opportunity to snuggle tight and stare into her eyes as she’s nursing. Nothing in this world is more important than her. She’s my saving grace. The little angel sent to me at the lowest time in my life. How could I ever choose to be selfish and not continue our breastfeeding relationship? I promise to myself that no matter how much easier bottles and formula seem, I will be here waiting to nurse until Samara herself chooses otherwise.  For me this breastfeeding journey is far more than doing the “healthiest thing”, it’s a journey over a rainbow. A rainbow that appeared after a deadly storm.

Comments

  1. Kimberly Voland says:

    This is so beautiful. I’m so glad you shared your experience with everyone.

  2. Lena's Mom says:

    This was so beautiful! I’m crying right now, out of sadness for your loss and joy for what you have gained. Thank you for sharing!

  3. This is so beautiful, moved to tears.

  4. I admire your courage and strength to share your story! My heart breaks for your pain and I share tears of joy for the amazing relationship and bond you are now enjoying with your sweet little angel, (both angels)! May you continue to heal and strengthen from the heartache and grow in the amazing eyes of your girls! God bless! 😉

  5. Hannah Roberts says:

    Thank you for sharing this! The amazing bond and love you have for a rainbow baby is amazing. I lost my son at 37 weeks pregnant in 2011. I now have a beautiful 6.5 month old baby girl and nursing her and getting that bonding time with her is truly amazing!

    I’m so sorry about the loss of your daughter. (((HUGS)))

  6. Senor StinkyBoo's mama says:

    Thank you…. Thank you for being the voice that touched my heart in making me follow my instinct. I am currently BFing my 8 month old and have been experiencing doubts as to whether I should continue or wean due to my own personal wants. Although I know its best for my little one, BFing can be downright miserable when you have laundry and dinner and grocery shopping to do. But after losing a 9 month old to meningitis in 2011, I, of all people know that the time spent with our babies is incredibly precious.
    But I will take this post as confirmation that what I am doing for my son is right… and I can worry about kicking him out of my bed later 😉
    Thank you and God bless!

  7. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story, and for your honesty in self-assessment – that can be more difficult than a person thinks. God bless you and all three of your babies.

  8. Beth Ann Choate says:

    Kayce; What you wrote was truly from the heart and those who do not support you are ignorant of your needs and of Samara’s needs. Please find it in your heart to forgive them because they really don’t have a clue. I’.m always supportive of what is best for Mama and baby and you have found your niche. Prayers for happiness and healing every day. XOXOXO

  9. Aunt Debbie says:

    I can never imagine your strength, or your pain. This journey has been yours and yours alone to bear but know that you always have my love and support!

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