A resource to inspire, inform and empower parents.

I Judge You

By Abby Theuring, MSW

The “mommy wars” are imaginary. They do not exist.

People judge. It’s normal and it’s natural. It’s not a human flaw. It’s not that people haven’t heard the whole story. It’s just what happens with humans. We judge each other. We are social creatures and this is in our nature. We do not have to stop. We do not have a major character flaw.

This “mommy war” crap was invented. Corporations that benefit from failed breastfeeding relationships have played to our insecurities. They are afraid of us. They have seen the effects of us sharing information and creating these communities. Their sales are down and they are desperate. Creating the “mommy wars” keeps us arguing with each other and takes the focus off of them and their predatory marketing schemes.

The “mommy wars” is a silencer. It keeps us from being able to have important conversations. It makes it so that whoever expresses an opinion, whoever discusses breastfeeding (or maternity leave or daycare or whatever) or whoever shares their experiences is seen as a bully. It’s not in corporation’s best interest for us to become informed, make our own choices and create alliances with each other.

Badass Breastfeeders of Chicagoland

Marketing is extremely sneaky. We think we are not affected by it, but we are. We all are. We must reject this concept of “mommy wars.” We are smart enough and strong enough to have difficult discussions without crying “mommy war!” We are brave enough to speak out against practices that negatively affect our children. We are secure enough to know that these discussions are not a reflection of our personal choices, but of harmful and aggressive marketing by corporations.

I judge people all the time. I judge the mom in the park, the mom on the airplane, maybe even you. I judge my family, my friends and random strangers. I don’t say anything and I tell myself to mind my own business but these thoughts do come to my mind. I even judge myself. I can’t help it. I’m human. To deny that this happens to you is to deny your very humanity. These judgments are shaped by all sorts of things like our personal opinions, the culture we live in, societal norms, our own ignorance, etc. Judgement happens.

Have you gone to a park lately? There is no war. Moms are just hanging out. But we log onto the internet or turn on the TV and all of the sudden it’s war. I think not. It’s all made up and it’s designed to keep us distracted while these major corporations cash in. They are using us like puppets. They think we are fools. They are playing with our emotions.

Let’s drop the whole judgement argument. It has no place amongst humans. When we can better understand our humanity we can burst the “mommy war” bubble.

Do not reject information. Do not silence yourself because you fear being the bully. And do not cry “mommy war!” when someone disagrees with you, shares different experiences from you or is simply rude to you online. Do not give so much weight to an argument online by calling it a “war.” There are no “mommy wars.” There is only a war against those who do not have the best interest of our children at heart.

Comments

  1. All the yes’s to this! So true just go to the park.. There are no mommy wars! Thanks for a great post.

  2. Have you been in any of the FB groups for breastfeeding, babywearing, etc ?? Most (not all) are extremely judgements and respond in hurtful ways. Moms may not be engaging in full in verbal attacks at the park or play date but they certainly find the courage at wee hours of the night to catch up and respond to FB posts.

  3. Okay let me just start off by saying “I support BF! It should be the first instinct to feed our babies, no doubt about it” but on that being said this war that is being spoken of is not a war but in fact is a mothers defense to all the articles about your breast fed babies are smarter and healthier then formula fed babies!!!!
    It’s the mothers that tryed with everything they had to breastfed being constantly reminded that they could not, and there for their child will be robbed of health, bonding and brain power!
    It’s the mother that cryed in the corner of her home with blood dripping down her chest.
    It’s the mother that had to bite a cloth in order to keep her sobbing and screaming from scaring her baby.
    It’s the mother that had to have someone hold the baby on her breast so she would not crush it’s little body under the pain.
    It’s the mother that was scared to hold her baby cause it would smell her milk and want to feed but just need 20mins to put herself back together from the pain and heartach from the last feed.
    It’s the mother that cryed during every feeding but would look away from her tiny love to save them from seeing mummy in pain.
    It’s the mother that couldn’t leave the house for mnths because the preparation of what is supposed to be so beautiful brings ppl to tears around them.
    It’s the mother that had to have wods of non stick guase over her breasts in order for her what was once nipple is no more dont stick and rip off any remaining skin she still has.
    It’s the mother that feels like she failed.
    It’s the mother that had much support and experts say your doing great keep it up but was dieing inside.
    It’s the mother that had to take meds to bring in more milk.
    It’s the mothers who feed for an hour+ every two hours or less and was pumping every 1.5 hours for 20+ mins on each side for 24 hrs every day for mnths. (You do the math)
    These are the mothers that are tired of hearing from these fantastic and supportive groups that her child will not be as smart when she or he gets to school, that the bond with parents isn’t as strong, that they are not as healthy need I go on.
    The groups and support on breastfeeding are the best thing to happen to women in generations. Breastfeeding any where anytime should be just natural it shouldn’t even be an issue we have to fight, but for a group that fights everyday for what should come natural to women, you dont have any compassion for those who couldn’t.
    Ever been a formula feeding mother go to a breastfeeding class so baby and mom can make it as close to the real thing as poosible??? You may help her to a point all well making sure you inform her baby will not be as smart or healthy.

    This is a problem not a war. It’s not just on TV or social media its these mothers that have a problem.It’s about a supportive group that’s not a group but a club.

  4. Oh goodie, justification for bullying. Yes, the mommy war exists. I’ve seen desperate sleep deprived moms, trying to cope with depression being bullied and criticized by these holier than thou moms. It’s sickening. A mom literally can’t do anything without someone dumping on her. You post a picture of your baby online and someone will bash on it. Because you’re using a pacifier, or you fed them a little sugar, or your clothes are too gender conforming (or non-conforming), or whatever, on and on and on. “Everyone judges” is a pretty pathetic excuse for engaging in this behavior.

  5. Yes, everyone judges that doesn’t give anyone the right to be an a-hole. Being an adult means being respectful or just keeping your mouth shut. I can’t even believe that you are justifying the things women say to one another by blaming the formula companies. Really, really? How does that explain the mommy wars and hatred spewed in regards to babywearing, cloth diapering, baby-led weaning, vaccines, circumcision, CIO, etc, etc.? The mommy wars and judgement extend far beyond breastfeeding vs formula feeding and the only people to blame are the people like you who can’t take responsibility for their own sanctimonious attitudes about things that, frankly, aren’t any of your business. You are the problem, not corporations and their predatory marketing schemes. Important conversations about child-rearing can be had, and should be had, respectfully and empathetically not by attacking each other and putting each other down for the decisions we make in how to raise and love our children. You should be ashamed of yourself, justifying hateful behavior and judgement of one another.

  6. Thank you! Love this publication!

  7. Amen!!!

  8. Why do you listen to others in the first place? I listen to whatever anyone has to say (to comfort them, that’s all it is about, so they feel important), turn around, smile, and do whatever I think is right. Believe me, life is so much easier this way! 🙂

Speak Your Mind

*