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I Hope It Amounts to Something


Abby Theuring, The Badass Breastfeeder

I feel like we’ve reached a new level of chaos in this house. I’m constantly trying to keep up, make up for mistakes and be a good mom, but the chaos grows faster than I can work. I think back to right after Exley was born. Jack was 3 years old. It was an utter disaster around here. Jack hit the ceiling and I was trying to care for a newborn. But Exley napped. And during those naps I spent time with Jack. We played cards, board games, built things out of cardboard or towers with magna tiles. I know that I have always felt like I wasn’t doing enough, I’ve always felt like the chaos I was in was the biggest chaos that would ever exist in life. But looking back on that time now all I remember are the good times. I probably did a ton of things wrong, but I guess I did some things right too. And looking back it seems like it wasn’t so bad compared to now! Now once again it seems like the chaos is over my head. I feel like I am doing all the things wrong. I hope looking back on this some of the good times will come more into focus. It’s an insanely chaotic string of events and I don’t understand how it can turn out to be anything. I don’t understand how it can amount to anything, but I suppose it does. I hope it does. I hope it’s good.

Photo taken in between the first disastrous part of the day and the second explosive part of the day. This was the only way that they wouldn’t completely meltdown in the museum. I don’t like posting this happy photo because it doesn’t really match what I’m saying and it contributes to all the misrepresentation that goes on over social media, but it’s frowned upon to post tantrum photos. This is what I want to be even if I never feel like the person here.

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