I’m Going to Miss You

Dear Sweet Baby,

You are not a baby anymore and if I called you “sweet baby” you would say, “I’m not a baby! I’m just Jack!” But to me it seems like just yesterday you were that baby. The baby that changed everything that life is all about for me. It seems like it has gone by so fast yet I feel like I’ve known you for an eternity. Like you were always here on some level and you were just waiting for your chance to meet me in this life.

Abby Theuring, The Badass Breastfeeder, with first son.

Looking at your old pictures you are almost unrecognizable. I can hear your voice and laugh and eyes, but your face is changing. You are looking more and more like your own unique person. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of everything that you are. I love getting to know you every minute of my life.

That’s why I am writing to you. I want to say that I am going to miss you. In a few weeks another baby will join our family. And while I know we will all grow in deep and profoundly loving ways that we can’t even imagine right now, I can’t help but feel like I am losing a little bit of you. I can’t believe it’s already time to say goodbye to what we have. We talk about new beginnings, but with beginnings come ends. And life with you as I know it is ending. And it’s hitting me with intense waves of sorrow.

I am going to miss sitting in the rocking chair for hours on end nursing you as you play with my necklace with one hand and wrap your other arm around my waist. You look around the room and up at me with your big blue eyes. You giggle when I tickled your arm and play with your toes. You are my everything. You always will be.

I am going to miss gently picking you up once you have dozed off and carrying you to the bed. You stay latched on as I lie down with you and stroke your hair. Lately you unlatch after a while, roll over into me and say “put your arm around me.” I put my arm around you and you fall asleep. You are so pure and gentle.

I am going to miss spending all day to get to the park. You walk slowly down the street looking at and touching everything. You take your time to take in your world. You look everyone in the eye. You let all the dogs lick your face. You love life.

I am going to miss spending my everyday getting to know you and calling it my “job” as a Stay at Home Mom. This isn’t a job. This is something like God’s work. Something spiritual. People aren’t their jobs. I am your mother. It defines me in this life. You define me. You have given me meaning. You are more than a child. You are my teacher, my inspiration and my guide.

Abby Theuring, The Badass Breastfeeder, with first son.

We were just getting used to the awesome chaos. We struggled through many days; struggling to breastfeed; struggling to get along; struggling to figure each other out. We by no means have it all figured out by now, but we have figured a lot of things out. I planned so many times to make all of my mistakes up to you. I had always looked at it like we had the rest of our lives. But we don’t. I don’t think I will ever be able to catch up with all of the things I want to make up to you. We will never get this time back. We will never be just “Jack and Mama.” And I will keep making mistakes and hoping that someday I can take them all back. How will I ever be able to make it up to you?

I worry about you. Will you feel pushed to the side? Will you feel less than my everything? Will your feelings be hurt? Will you feel jealous? Will you be OK?

Right now I want to freeze time. I want this moment to live forever. I want to take you all in. Your eyelashes, your knees, your fingers, your hair. I want to take all of you in forever. I want to see all of your moments. I miss many of them now with the chaos of life. We are about to enter a new chaos. A chaos that makes this look like the calm before the storm. How will I ever be able to keep up with you and your moments?

I didn’t know that what we have right now is so special. If I had known I would have tried harder to stay calm when you didn’t want to sleep, to put the vacuum away and run up and down the hall with you, to skip the worrying and stay in the moment with you. What I wouldn’t give to have all of that time back now.

You and I are still together. We are so lucky. But right here in this moment I can’t help but feel I will lose a part of you. I know, it’s all going to be OK and our love will never die, but right now I want to say, before the storm hits, that I am going to miss you my sweet baby. I am going to miss our life right now as you made it. The best I’ve ever had.

Abby Theuring, MSW

Comments

  1. This is exactly how I felt. The first few months after my daughter was born I was so worried about my son but everything calmed down. We all adjusted. And we are all still absolutely in love with each other. There is just a lot more love and a lot more chaos:) Beautifully written.

  2. “This isn’t a job. This is something like God’s work. Something spiritual. People aren’t their jobs. I am your mother. It defines me in this life. You define me. You have given me meaning. You are more than a child. You are my teacher, my inspiration and my guide.”

    SO BEAUTIFUL!

  3. Jessica Miller says:

    Im bawling now too. My first sons name is Jack and this exact time last year I was dealing with the exact same emotions (we welcomed our second son may 29th 2013). Thank you for posting <3

  4. Jessica says:

    This is exactly how I felt before we welcomed our second little boy in January. I knew Henry, our first son, and I was so scared of what this “stranger” growing in my womb would do to our family. It will be ok. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. But you will grow and Jack will grow, and you will all love each other even more than before. I promise.

  5. Lindsey says:

    Beautiful! you can still take your time walking to the park tho! gosh, you must have a lot of patience for that lol. I was also a bit sad that life as we knew it would end between my son and I before my daughter was born. My son was 6.5 when my second child was born–we’d spent all our lives as “us against the world”. it sometimes felt intrusive to think of someone joining our team. i’m expecting my 3rd child in July, and my daughter is now 3 years old. I now think of how young and small she still is, and feel sad that I won’t be able to give her as much attention as I had the opportunity to give my son through infanthood, toddlerhood, preschool, and into grade school. however, i’m so glad that I can give my daughter a sibling that will be close in age, and get to experience that as a parent. good luck to you and Jack, Abby!

  6. Dwan Bray says:

    I so sympathize and remember when our 2nd born came. It’s a process but, such a beautiful journey.

  7. I absolutely love this thank you I just had my second and that all the emotions I had as well he loves his brother but I can see jealousy I miss snuggling at night till he went to sleep and just sitting and reading books together 🙁 but I enjoy when we do get those things I take him to the park as much as possible and to do fun things 🙂

  8. This is exactly how I feel every time my husband & I even talk about TTC baby #2! This is beautiful, Abby!

  9. Heather says:

    You always have a way of putting into words how so many of us feel. My son is 2 mos and my daughter is 17 mos. I felt so much overwhelming guilt when I got pregnant again. Worried that I would rob time from my daughter that she deserves. I cried for days when she self weened at 10 months because my milk was gone. I agonized about her feelings when baby came, because she is so young she didn’t understand that another baby was coming.

    I am amazed every day at how much she loves him. I am so glad that she has this little best friend that she will be playing with before we know it. With my milk supply back I can pump enough extra to give her a bottle of breast milk every day and I CRIED with happiness when she stole that first bottle from her brother and downed it saying ‘Mmmmm! Mmm yum!’

    We know how you feel and love how you can share it. It will all be so much more amazing than you could believe right now.

  10. Caroline says:

    I am crying right now after reading your story with my baby, my only little 15 month old queen of my universe sleeping in my arms as i type with one finger. Although I’m not expecting, I wonder how I could ever love another. Oh I thought the feeling and fear would go away but wow, beautifully written, I’m glad you didn’t edit.

  11. It will be hard. It will hurt. It will take time. You might cry out of guilt. You might feel horrendously sorry. You might not be able to control his emotionas. But it will be okay. Four and a half months later and I can balance life with two. At first my heart hurt, I bawled all day, I thought my oldest hated me. He would cry, throw things at his new brother, hit him..I couldn’t control him. I couldn’t control our emotions. Even his hugs pained me. He was bigger all of a sudden. His skull felt thicker, ankles felt huge, hands and fingers seemed bigger than mine. All because his brother, my baby had arrived. No one told me how terrifying it could go, and I don’t want to put fear in you. I just want you to know that if it is unbearably hard, it WILL get better. My sons have an ever growing bond now, and everything is just right.

  12. This made me cry for a different reason. I don’t get to stay home with my son and miss so much of his life. I am desperate to be with him and every day away from him is torture. He is changing every day and every day when I pick him up after work I am shocked to find a different little person. Enjoy your every moment. You are a very blessed woman.

    • Jennifer says:

      I feel the same exact way. I wish so bad that I could stay home with our son. I envy the moms that get to. I live for the time at the end of each day when I can pick him up and the weekends when I can spend all weekend with him. And then I feel sick and sad when Monday comes and I have to take him back to daycare. I love being a mom and I feel like I miss out on so much not being with him all the time.

  13. Beautiful.

    • Mary Feddema says:

      Hi- I had to post as a reply to another comment as it wouldn’t let me comment on my own. I chose this comment as I agree- what you wrote is absolutely beautiful.

      I want to make a crazy suggestion though- I had girls 18 months apart and I felt much of what you are feeling. What helped me though, and what helped my toddler adjust and love her new sibling fiercely, was that I DIDNT stop nursing my toddler when the baby was born. I meant to and fully expected my milk to dry up during pregnancy, but it never did. I tandem nursed the two of them for about 5 months (when my almost 2 weened herself) and it was easily the best decision of my parenting life. I would hold the toddler in my arms latched on to one breast and lay the infant over her latched on to the second. The held hands and played with each other’s toes and shared me, growing a deep love with each other.

      If possible, I would strongly recommend trying. You may not get support from your dr, but there are plenty of Mom who can tell you that Tandem nursing made the transition wonderful for all.

  14. Stephanie says:

    I worried for the same reasons, thinking was it necessary to have another baby when I couldn’t possibly love it as much as my first. People tell you that of course you will, but before you meet #2, you almost don’t believe them. My first son has grown up quickly since his brother was born, and I am more proud of the boy he has become. I get to see all the hard work invested in him shine through. He is an amazing example to his baby brother…and yes, you do love your second as much, it just takes time. I felt like my heart doubled, like each son has his own place and I have two hearts, equally able to grow for each. It cannot really be described, but it is totally worth it!

  15. Brenda Holland-Robinson says:

    Awww, Abby, I hear you. I was convinced I’d never be able to love my expected daughter as much as I loved my 5yo son. Oh, my, what a wonderful surprise when I realized I didn’t have to divide my love between them, but that a mother’s love MULTIPLIES! I loved them both (and two years later a 2nd daughter) 100%. It’s that simple. And while there will be times when you must put first one then the other on hold, it teaches patience and unconditional love. You & Jack are going to be fine. Absolutely. Thanks for being real.

  16. I was blindsided by the exact same thoughts when I was in labour with my second (a little late I know).

    All I can tell you is somehow nothing changes at all. That closeness stays as it was and you get to add a whole other layer of closeness alongside it for the new baby.

    Hugs to you, it’s a hard transition,
    Xx

  17. Susan Howard says:

    This is exactly how I felt before my son was born. It was just me and my daughter for 3 years – we were a team and it made me so sad to think about things changing. My son is 10 months old now and things are definitely different. I still get a little sad when I feel like she is jealous or upset because her brother gets more attention, but for the most part I love how happy her brother makes her. They absolutely adore each other and he gives her so much that I never could have on my own. 🙂

  18. I just went through this exact thing. We welcomed our second daughter not even two weeks ago. And all I could think of the last months of my pregnancy was how much I’m going to miss my time alone with my 25 month old daughter. She has become my little shadow and it really hit home how hard this transition was going to be as she became more and more clingy the closer my due date came. It’s still incredibly hard as we haven’t quite found our new groove yet. I miss all of our solo time and its been rough hearing her call for me at night and not always being able to go to her because I’m already nursing her sister. I know it will get better and I know it will all be worth it. But that doesn’t make the transition any easier. I will say that it has helped to go out on “adventures ” while leaving baby sister at home with Daddy. Something as simple as going to the grocery store has helped me remember that I didn’t lose my connection to my daughter. We just need to figure out the new dynamic. Good luck and enjoy your remaining time as a mama of one. 🙂

  19. Beautiful. Poignant. Touching. Makes me enjoy the special time I have with my baby boy while keeping plans for child #2 on the horizon! Go Abby, mama’s love is boundless.

  20. Chrissy says:

    This is amazing…I cried through it (though that might be pregnancy hormones, too). I have had the same exact feelings as we get closer to welcoming our second. I laughed at the “I’m just Jack”, because when I call my son “baby”, he says, “no, it’s Blake”.

  21. Pam Davila says:

    Omg. I can’t stop crying. I am 3 weeks away from end with #2. This is exactly the overwhelming emotions I have been having for a month now. Each day as his arrival gets closer I feel more saddened by the changes that are ahead for my baby (soon to be big brother). He is my whole world and I am the reason our world’s will be flipped upside down soon. I hope he is ok with it, but I also know that he just turned 3 in May and expressing his feelings is sometimes hard so I just have to try and help him through this as I have done with everything else since the beginning. It’s not going to be easy and I can’t say I am fully prepared, but I sure am going to try my best.

    Thank you Abby for this blog. Xo

  22. I remember feeling exactly the same way when I was pregnant with my second son. I worried I’d never be able to give my oldest the love and attention he deserved, and cried that I’d never be able to love a new baby the same way that I loved my first. After my little one came, all of my fears disappeared. He melted perfectly into our family, like he’d been there the whole time but hadn’t physically taken his place in our lives yet. It was a very natural transition. I found that I had more than enough love to go around, and plenty of room in my arms for two beautiful boys. As for the worries about how my oldest would take to big-brotherhood — he’s now a sweet, helpful, loving, playful, nurturing (and sometimes ornery and jealous) big brother. It’s filled me with pride watching him go through his own personal transformation.

    We’re now expecting our third in just a few days, and I have none of the fears that I had with my second pregnancy. I’m filled with excited anticipation for our newcomer’s arrival. I expect him to fall into his place in our family just as easily as our other children have. Both our boys are so excited to meet their new brother and already have so much love for him. I already see my second-born transforming into the same sort of nurturing, loving big brother that we watched my oldest become. We’re all looking forward to our next big transition!

  23. oh man. I am 3 weeks away from my due date and have a 2 1/2 year old and am so emotional thinking about all the changes we are about experience. Thank you for posting this – I think I am going to write a letter to my son now, never thought about doing this before. But oh will the tears be flowing.

  24. I know the feeling. .. mine have grown so fast they are 18,14,11,8. 2 girls and 2 boys and I deff miss them as babies I was looking at there baby pics for there yearbooks and I cried. They have grown to there own person and there own unique personally. They 4 maybe from my but they 4 are all different. I love my kids with all my heart and soul…

  25. I just found out I am pregnant and I have a 3 year old little girl & this is EXACTLY the way I feel, like she is going to be hurt or forgotten when she has to share her mommy. I love her more than anything in the world but worry when she won’t be getting all of my attention! Thank you so much for posting this. Its nice to know others have the same thoughts & feelings!

  26. So perfectly expresses how I was feeling before I had our second (June 2013). My heart just ached for the sweet innocence and simplicity I thought we were losing. But what kept me in check was knowing how important it was for my daughter to have a sibling and to know that love. Ahhh the perpetual heartbreak of motherhood! How blessed we are.

  27. My wife just sent this to me and I’m about to spill my guts with cries all over the place here at work. As a dad, I’ll never know this type of connection but I do know the feeling of watching your kid grow up. It’s an emotional concoction of pride, nostalgia, happiness, and sadness. Like mourning a loved one who’s still present, only in a different way. This was a great piece, wonderfully written, and perfectly captures the feeling of being a parent

  28. Oh Abby..this made me cry. You write so well.
    Congratulations on the new baby. And thanks for sharing with us.
    Heidi x

  29. Jessica says:

    Thank you for this. This is exactly how I feel right now as we struggle with the decision of if we want to try to become a family of 4 or if our family of 3 is complete.

  30. It makes my eyes cry out! they are the greatest gift we can have in life!

  31. Heather says:

    In tears. My second is 3 weeks and my little girl just turned 2. I’ve had such mixed feelings at the end of my pregnancy and still now. I miss that time with my little girl. I love my new baby boy but still feeling lots of guilt. Thank you for posting!

  32. SunshineK says:

    Thank you for this post. I too am struggling with these feelings! My little guy is just about to turn a year old and I am 11 weeks pregnant with number 2. I felt SO guilty when I found out that we were expecting because I cried. I cried big heaving cries because my baby boy was no longer going to be “the baby”. If anything, it’s nice to know that my feelings are not unique and that there are others going through this exact process. Thanks again <3

  33. Jen Best says:

    Oh my goodness this sums up my feelings! I am 37 weeks pregnant with #2 now and I just want to hold my 18 month old forever. I am so worried about what it will do to our relationship. Do you have a follow-up post on the reality of these feelings? I feel so guilty because I constantly ask myself how I could love another baby like I love the first.

  34. Yes, This is exactly how I felt this afternoon. I got my little girls bangs cut, just bangs but she looks so different like she’s not that little baby I knew just yesterday. But she’s not a baby she’s a toddler but as any mom knows they are always your babies!

  35. I can relate although it has been 46 years. My boy was 18 months when we welcomed his sister and again in 16 months we welcomed another little sister. I was very busy but I also nursed all 3 and always made the other children feel as if they were the biggest and best part of the new babies life. It was a fun and hectic life back then and I so miss all the chaos. No paper diapers or disposable bottles. As they grow up enjoy each day of their life – good or bad. It just goes by too fast. I now have grandbabies and 2 great-grandbabies. I love them all. good luck girls and just remember a loved baby is not a spoiled baby.

  36. Perfectly written and lovely. I just had my third baby (my oldest is 14yo so it isn’t quite the same) but I felt this exact way about my 3yo. Especially the part about making mistakes and not knowing how I will make that all up to her… and about if you had known you’d gotten less upset when they wouldn’t sleep, and taken more time for play! Good luck with your new babe!

  37. This is beautiful! We are 6 months into life with our first baby, but as we think about adding to our family, this post really resonates with my heart. Love & light to you while you embark on this new part of your journey!

  38. This is exactly how I feel. I’m balling my eyes out. I thought no one understood. Thank you for writing this.

  39. This is exactly how I feel. I’m balling my eyes out. I thought no one understood. Thank you for writing this. I guess some mothers go through this too. 🙂

  40. So sweet. I wish I could find words like that for my older ‘baby’. Thank you!

  41. I happened to read this on my son’s 18-month birthday. He’s no longer a baby now and fully a toddler. Though we lost our #2 to miscarriage recently and don’t know when we’ll TTC again, I can relate . . . Watching my little guy grow up is amazing, but I miss the days he was so tiny and helpless–just a year ago (though it feels like 2 weeks!).

    Now I don’t feel so guilty for leaving the dishes in the sink and the laundry undone to take a nap with my little guy or to try to read “fox in sox” without messing up the words!

  42. My baby is turning 1 on Wednesday! I think about how prefect life is and his feelings if we decide to have another baby. I think I didn’t didn’t have any kids when I had him and how tired I was after working all day. How can I do that with one at home and one in my tummy? What a wonderful piece to share!

    Thank you.

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  43. Wait til they leave home and move across the country. What does an old attachment parenting mother do then? The loss is too huge.

  44. aww I felt exactly like this before my son was born. My daughter was just 21 months when he was born and I was so sad about it all. Now he is almost a year and while it has all worked out I felt bad the first few months. Now I just can’t believe how quickly the time has gone by with both of them.

  45. I saved this post on my pc when I read it for the first time and I have returned to read it over and over again. Each time it draws tears because you have managed to put into words the exact emotions that I feel towards my little boy. I’m thinking of having another baby and this is EXACTLY what I think and feel!!

    I wish these were my words, so beautifully spoken, because they are SO VERY true of me xxx thank you so much!

  46. I’m balling 🙁 this is exactly how I feel at the moment but could never have put it so beautifully!

    • I remember reading this the first time you posted, and crying without even being pregnant with my second! I’m so glad I saw it because I have striven even harder to cherish this time with my daughter knowing we would eventually have more. Now that I’m at about the halfway point with our second, a boy, I cried even harder knowing how much change is coming our way and seeing how much my daughter has grown already. So for now I’m going to soak in these last few months of just “Mommy and Vivien” time as we joyously await the arrival of our bouncing baby boy.

      Thank you again for sharing, and for so eloquently putting into words what so many of us feel.

  47. This is me nearly a year and a half ago. The new baby is nearly the age my first baby was when our family grew. I thought all of these thoughts everyday. I was so afraid things would change so much, so scared that I would take my child’s mother away and we would sit together with another baby in my arms and my little one would wonder why things had to change. But everything was ok. Everything is ok. Our new child is the missing piece of us & life is good.

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Trackbacks

  1. […] high-five or “blow it up”. I recently read an article written by Abby Theuring(http://www.thebadassbreastfeeder.com/im-going-to-miss-you/), where she writes about how much she’s going to miss her son. “We were just getting […]

  2. […] why D can’t high-five or “blow it up”. I recently read an article written by Abby Theuring(http://www.thebadassbreastfeeder.com/im-going-to-miss-you/), where she writes about how much she’s going to miss her son. “We were just getting used to […]

  3. […] I’m going to miss you blog post […]

  4. […] take my mind off of the waiting.  And in serendipitous timing, I recently came across a post that Badass Breastfeeder Abby wrote to her son shortly before her second child was born.  So here I […]

  5. […] get my full, undivided attention. I’ve come to learn that this is not uncommon, after reading so many different articles about the mommy guilt that surrounds your second child. I honestly can’t get through ANY […]

  6. […] get my full, undivided attention. I’ve come to learn that this is not uncommon, after reading so many different articles about the mommy guilt that surrounds your second child. I honestly can’t get through ANY […]

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