The wait is over. Have you been searching for the perfect birth control method? Are you tired of swallowing pills and inserting medical devices into your body? Do you need a 100% effective way of preventing pregnancy?
I’ve got the answer. And it’s free!
You are invited to join me on a grocery shopping trip with my 4-year-old and 16-month-old. No, we will not scan the isles for a product making promises it can’t keep. You will not have to schlep to the front of the store and place a personal item on that conveyer belt. I promise you this shopping trip is by itself 100% effective at preventing pregnancy.
My 2 sons and I offer many services with varying degrees of effectiveness at preventing pregnancy.
- The park: 75%
- Doctor’s office: 79%
- Post office: 82%
- Restaurant: 89%
- Target: 95%
- Grocery store: 100%
You will see that a trip to the grocery store is absolutely 100% effective!
You will find that the effects are immediate. Before even entering the store you will witness a 4-year-old take 20 minutes to decide which fire truck shopping cart he would like to ride in. It will most definitely be the very last one against the wall, requiring all the other ones to be pulled out. You will notice the twitching in my eyebrows begin.
Then you will be drawn into a false sense of peacefulness as we peruse the produce section. I hold the bags while the 4-year-old drops in various fruits and vegetables. The 16-month-old tries to grab the produce, “how cute,” you’ll think to yourself. You’re so naive.
As we leave the fruity paradise behind, a sense of darkness will ascend upon us. As the bright lights of the refrigerated juices shrink your pupils you’ll notice that the 16-month-old has become possessed by some sort of grocery store baby poltergeist. He’ll fling his body backward and bang his head on the cart. He’ll cry. And cry. And cry. The 4-year-old will become agitated and proceed to demand that he be removed from the cart. And then put back in. And then taken back out. The 16-month-old has now begun to scream at decibels that every person in the tri-county area can hear.
You’ll cringe as you watch me hold my 16-month-old with one arm, push the cart with the other arm and tell my 4-year-old through gritted teeth to stop knocking all the boxes of mac ‘n cheese off the shelves. I’ll kick the boxes under the isles and punch the on-looker in the face with my killer furrowed brow. Say something, I dare you.
My 2 children will then execute a 2 man show involving repeated kicking of the cart, reaching to sweep clean entire shelves, placing random items in the cart, screeching in each other’s faces about who can hold which steering wheel, seeing who can scream the loudest and laughing like evil witches in a horror movie.
“I’m so glad I got this fucking fire truck cart for you 2!” “I’m leaving you with Aunt Sylvia next time!” “I’d rather starve than come to the grocery store ever again with you 2!”
“NOOOO!!! WAAAHHHH!!!!” they say.
By this point actual smoke is coming from my ears, maybe even blood, yeah blood, there has to be blood, you’ll see real live blood pouring from my ears. “Where is the fucking list?!” “What the hell are we going to have for dinner tonight?!” “Would you 2 just STOOOOOPPPP!!!!”
The rest will be mostly a blur. You’ll watch as I throw 3 different kinds of bread in the cart, no time to remember our regular brand. Do we need milk? Just get it. Fuck it.
You can judge me or feel sorry for me or just feel down right nauseous, but one thing is absolutely undeniable. You will not have sex. You’ll catch eyes with other onlookers. A couple holding hands will let their hands fall apart. Another couple will move a few feet apart from each other. Singles will cross their arms as if to signal to potential sexual partners that they are no longer open for business.
Later on you’ll talk to your partner about how your kids will different and how, “that mom just had no control over her kids.” You’ll have dinner and drinks and want to have sex. But your memories of the day will come flooding back. It’ll be like someone flipped all the light switches on your naked bodies. You’ll quickly cover yourselves. No erection has ever sustained memories of a visit to the grocery store with my family.
100% effective.
